A few years ago, in my former professional life, I had a quick chit-chat with colleague of mine. I don’t remember what exactly we were talking about and it doesn’t really matter now, but there’s one thing that he said that stuck with me since then. It was the most bizarre – and kind of funny- comparison that someone had ever made when they tried to describe me. He told me that on the outside I’m like a ‘Soviet concrete block’, but inside I’m ‘fluffy like strawberries and cream’. I was a bit stunned by it, but it made me chuckle. I was also trying to comprehend how on earth strawberries and cream can be ‘fluffy’? Nonetheless, I knew what he meant. So this has stayed with me for years now and from time to time my mind brings it back to me. It brings back the ‘touchy-feely’ subject of emotions…
Emotions… Where do I even start?! When I was little I didn’t know much about emotions. I didn’t know that using and showing them and not being ridiculed for that at the same time is actually possible. When I go back to my childhood, emotions-wise, I actually can’t say that I saw a lot of them around me, although, of course, some were there, hanging, lingering, dying to be expressed… Especially those ‘good ones’.
I’m aware I’m not the only one in the world who has had similar background where emotions weren’t freely expressed in daily life, or talked about, encouraged, acknowledged and/or shown. I know though that I was a very sensitive child, I always cared for animals and people around me- one way or another- and I was able to easily empathise with my surroundings. However, at some point, something changed. I don’t know where or when or why. But I know it did and it had a profound impact on my life. When I was young, I just let my emotions be known, for example I did cry when watching films when I felt like it, but it didn’t take long to learn not to do it hearing things like ‘don’t be such a girl’. So I stopped. For years. I hid and resisted pretty much any kind of emotion, especially those so-called ‘bad ones’, like sadness, anger or anything that would exposed me to the world as a ‘girl’ , a ‘bad’ person and , god forbid, as a vulnerable person. It took me years to realise that, hmm, hold on, I AM A GIRL! That was the first step to start understanding that emotions ARE human! And that this stupid fucking saying ‘don’t be such a girl’ is so unhealthy, derogative and degrading to girls and women and so potentially damaging to boys and men, who like every human being have emotions and occasionally struggle with them, just like me… But I don’t want to dwell on emotions and gender issue in this post, although I acknowledge that it’s a very interesting yet complex subject. Maybe some other time.
So emotions…They exist. Hiding, rejecting, running from them, denying them and what have you can only mess up a lot of things in one’s life. I know it has in mine.
I remember many years ago, I had this sudden realisation that I AM an emotional person, however I simply lacked skills how to deal with them. After years and years of acting as this ‘Soviet concrete block’, as my colleague put it, I had no idea what do to with them when they arose. Fine, it’s been easier with so-called ‘good emotions’ like joy and happiness, but when the ‘bad’ appeared- whoa, what now? So even after the discovery of my ‘fluffy’ side, I’ve been struggling to accept and embrace some of those emotions. My default setting would be pretending they’re not there, think ‘positive’ thoughts, ‘look on the bright side’, deny, judge, feel guilty about feeling…. (angry/guilty/sad….insert whatever you wish). Sure, it’s important to think ‘positive thoughts’ and ‘looking on the bright side’, but not without acknowledging and accepting ‘the other side’. It’s simple: if it’s not accepted, it’ll come back and bite me in the butt. Simple, I said… Hmmm…
I feel I’ve learnt a lot about emotions and have been working hard to open up more and accept the ‘fluffy’ side in me. It’s not been easy (although I still believe it’s simple, but it’s a process) and sometimes it’s been excruciatingly difficult and painful to do that. Especially with people who I want to be close to. It’s easier with some than others for me. I take my time, I acknowledge the fear and sometimes I succeed, sometimes I’m not ready for it. Some time ago I realised that I linked my expression of ‘bad’ emotions to ‘neediness’ (in a ‘bad’ way) and, well, I’m not a fan of unhealthily needy people and I didn’t want to be perceived as one of them. So I struggled and struggled, especially when I plucked up the courage and expressed my fears and sadness and other ‘bad’ emotions, only to be shot down by others and labelled ‘oversensitive’. Ouch. But I still believe that showing that ‘fluffy’ side in a must to build real and honest connections with others.
Those who know me well by now know that I’m a big fan of Brene Brown and her work on vulnerability, therefore it shouldn’t come as a surprise that I’ll use another quote from her work:
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“Vulnerablilty is not weakness. And that myth is profoundly dangerous (…) Vulnerability is not weakness. I define vulnerability as emotional risk, exposure, uncertainty. It fuels our daily lives. And I’ve come to the belief (…) that vulnerability is our most accurate measurement of courage — to be vulnerable, to let ourselves be seen, to be honest.”
I’ve connoted showing, talking of and expressing my emotions to weakness and a sign of lacking in confidence too. And trust me, if you would see me, in my ‘concrete’ suit, you would probably say that there’s no way I can lack confidence. And it’s true and it’s not- I’m very confident in some things, not so much in others. But it’s the ‘fluffy’ bit that still causes me some challenges. Actually not ‘fluffiness’ itself, but it’s more about my abilities to express it. I can now say, rather confidently (!) that I’ve embraced my ‘fluffiness’. I’m just working at expressing it better. I embraced the fact that I need certain things in my life and relationships with people- and I’m not talking only about romantic relationships- I need closeness, touch, good and open conversation, feeling safe, especially when exposing own vulnerability etc. Nothing that , in my humble opinion, is too strange to a human being. However, I believed that when I express my needs I’ll be rejected, seen needy, clingy and lacking in confidence…. I’m delighted to say that I was SO WRONG! I got it all wrong! The other week I came across an article (and a little quiz) about emotions. It helped me connect few dots between my own emotional (well) being and my needs and confidence. I realised that showing my ‘bad’ emotions ( ok, I’ll stop calling them that now as it’s so not true! But I would like to believe you understand what I’ve been trying to do here) and asking for things that I need has nothing to do with lack of confidence or, actually, ‘neediness’. It just highlights my human-beingness and the fact that I am an emotional person! That I have ‘fluff’ and that’s ok! All I need to do, if I want to- and I do- is to learn to express them better. Like everything else it comes with practice. And it’s scary for me, because when I pluck up the courage and start talking about how I really feel, very often I just simply start crying or become very tearful. I always hated it and it was one of the things that prevented me from expressing myself. However now I understand that the more I do it, the better I become at it and , perhaps, tears may not always have to accompany my vulnerable, raw conversations. I’ve been feeling really committed to my spiritual and mindful journey for years now and I’m feeling extremely grateful that I’ve found the path. It’s not always easy, actually it’s challenging most of the time, but I feel that I’ve been growing and becoming a much stronger and…humane human being!
I still might be a ‘work in progress’, but I am strong, I AM ENOUGH. And fluffy.