Tag: Brene Brown

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On grief and surrendering…

“The area we are struggling in can often be the area we aren’t surrendering. Sometimes just admitting where we don’t know what to do and allow it to be fully felt opens up space for us to discover what we are on the other side.” /Kyle Cease/

This video by Kyle Cease arrived in my inbox few days ago.. I finally watched it on Monday morning and it made so much sense to me. I felt some raw emotions arising, but they couldn’t make their way out. I’ve watched the video several times now. And yesterday morning I woke up, sat on my bed in meditation and I felt different emotions popping up. I couldn’t name them -it’s not that I was trying mind you- but then one word stood out for me: GRIEF.

Let’s take a pause here…

Like what? Grief? Why? Apart from some of my plants, nothing/no one close to me has recently died. So how come ‘grief’ popped up in my meditation?

I don’t know, but I surrendered to it and I just cried and grieved- no judgement, no strategising what to do next and how- just me and my (suppressed) emotions coming out of me. It didn’t last long, but I started to feel more connected with my own ‘deep down’. I took some deep breaths and I felt more authentic and real than I had been recently. There was no fear at that moment. Only peace.

Later, as I was pottering around the kitchen, I started listening to  ‘Rising Strong as Spiritual Practice’ . I’m obsessed with Brene Brown and her work- probably you worked it out by now- but I’d never come across this recording till that morning. I wasn’t sure what to expect as my first thought was that it was going to be an audiobook, but I was wrong- it was a seminar with Brene Brown. Bonus! And then some 1 hour 36 minutes in, boom, she starts talking about grief! She relates it to boundaries, integrity, generosity  and forgiveness and explains that it is the only other emotion that ties closely with shame.

‘Grief is about longing, it’s about loss and it’s about feeling lost’ /Brene Brown/

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Grief is one of those emotions that we don’t want to talk about, says Brown, because we live in a culture where sadness is not acceptable. The only emotion that is accepted when grief arises is anger. We also accept fear, but we tend to put everything else away and try to hide it. Brown goes on to say that no matter how much we’ll try to hide our grief, our body will be leaning toward it as , although we may not like it, grief is needed. This is the price we pay for loving…

It really hit home. I admitted that I’d not allowed myself to grieve for a long time. And when I opened myself up for that grief, shame and guilt arrived too… My natural (?) response would be trying to find something positive to focus on, or minimise the feeling, or ‘hearing voices’ from the past who would tell me to ‘get over it’ or ‘stop being a victim’, or trying to find a solution, or bypass it and force myself to behave like I felt stronger than I actually was… It wasn’t easy, but I surrender. And I grieved. For people who aren’t in my life anymore. For feelings I don’t feel anymore. For a person I wanted to become, but I didn’t. For failed strategies. For whatever I needed to grieve. At the end I wasn’t miraculously feeling elated or happy (?), but I wasn’t feeling unhappy. I felt calm, light and connected.

Grief is a process. It will continue. But I hope that I’ll manage to just surrender to it, without embracing shame and guilt at the same time, and let it do its  healing job. And I’ll continue practising surrendering. It’s a process too, which for me can sometimes be very challenging. But I hope that that feeling of lightness, calmness and peace will be my reminder what I can experience when I surrender.

 

 

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Fluffy like strawberries and cream

A few years ago, in my former professional life, I had a quick chit-chat with colleague of mine. I don’t remember what exactly we were talking about and it doesn’t really matter now, but there’s one thing that he said that stuck with me since then. It was the most bizarre – and kind of funny- comparison that someone had ever made when they tried to describe me. He told me that on the outside I’m like a ‘Soviet concrete block’, but inside I’m ‘fluffy like strawberries and cream’. I was a bit stunned by it, but it made me chuckle. I was also trying to comprehend how on earth strawberries and cream can be ‘fluffy’? Nonetheless, I knew what he meant. So this has stayed with me for years now and from time to time my mind brings it back to me. It brings back the ‘touchy-feely’ subject of emotions…

Emotions… Where do I even start?! When I was little I didn’t know much about emotions. I didn’t know that using and showing them and not being ridiculed for that at the same time is actually possible. When I go back to my childhood, emotions-wise, I actually can’t say that I saw a lot of them around me,  although, of course,  some were there, hanging, lingering, dying to be expressed… Especially those ‘good ones’.

I’m aware I’m not the only one in the world who has had similar background where emotions weren’t freely expressed in daily life, or talked about, encouraged, acknowledged and/or shown. I know though that I was a very sensitive child, I always cared for animals and people around me- one way or another- and I was able to easily empathise with my surroundings. However, at some point, something changed. I don’t know where or when or why. But I know it did and it had a profound impact on my life. When I was young, I just let my emotions be known, for example I did cry when watching films when I felt like it, but it didn’t take long to learn not to do it hearing things like ‘don’t be such a girl’. So I stopped. For years. I hid and resisted pretty much any kind of emotion, especially those so-called ‘bad ones’, like sadness, anger or anything that would exposed me to the world as a ‘girl’ , a ‘bad’ person and , god forbid, as a vulnerable person. It took me years to realise that, hmm, hold on, I AM A GIRL! That was the first step to start understanding that emotions ARE human! And that this stupid fucking saying ‘don’t be such a girl’ is so unhealthy, derogative and degrading to girls and women and so potentially damaging to boys and men, who like every human being have emotions and occasionally struggle with them, just like me… But I don’t want to dwell on emotions and gender issue in this post, although I acknowledge that it’s a very interesting yet complex subject. Maybe some other time.

So emotions…They exist. Hiding, rejecting, running from them, denying them and what have you can only mess up a lot of things in one’s life. I know it has in mine.

I remember many years ago, I had this sudden realisation that I AM an emotional person, however I simply lacked skills how to deal with them. After years and years of acting as this ‘Soviet concrete block’, as my colleague put it, I had no idea what do to with them when they arose. Fine, it’s been easier with so-called ‘good emotions’ like joy and happiness, but when the ‘bad’ appeared- whoa, what now? So even after the discovery of my ‘fluffy’ side, I’ve been struggling to accept and embrace some of those emotions. My default setting would be pretending they’re not there, think ‘positive’ thoughts, ‘look on the bright side’, deny, judge, feel guilty about feeling…. (angry/guilty/sad….insert whatever you wish). Sure, it’s important to think ‘positive thoughts’ and ‘looking on the bright side’, but not without acknowledging and accepting ‘the other side’. It’s simple: if it’s not accepted, it’ll come back and bite me in the butt. Simple, I said… Hmmm…

I feel I’ve learnt a lot about emotions and have been working hard to open up more and accept the ‘fluffy’ side in me. It’s not been easy (although I still believe it’s simple, but it’s a process) and sometimes it’s been excruciatingly difficult and painful to do that. Especially with people who I want to be close to. It’s easier with some than others for me. I take my time, I acknowledge the fear and sometimes I succeed, sometimes I’m not ready for it. Some time ago I realised that I linked my expression of ‘bad’ emotions to ‘neediness’ (in a ‘bad’ way) and, well, I’m not a fan of unhealthily needy people and I didn’t want to be perceived as one of them. So I struggled and struggled, especially when I plucked up the courage and expressed my fears and sadness and other ‘bad’ emotions, only to be shot down by others and labelled ‘oversensitive’. Ouch. But I still believe that showing that ‘fluffy’ side in a must to build real and honest connections with others.

Those who know me well by now know that I’m a big fan of Brene Brown and her work on vulnerability, therefore it shouldn’t come as a surprise that I’ll use another quote from her work:

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“Vulnerablilty is not weakness. And that myth is profoundly dangerous (…) Vulnerability is not weakness. I define vulnerability as emotional risk, exposure, uncertainty. It fuels our daily lives. And I’ve come to the belief (…) that vulnerability is our most accurate measurement of courage — to be vulnerable, to let ourselves be seen, to be honest.”

I’ve connoted showing, talking of and expressing my emotions to weakness and a sign of lacking in confidence too. And trust me, if you would see me, in my ‘concrete’ suit, you would probably say that there’s no way I can lack confidence. And it’s true and it’s not- I’m very confident in some things, not so much in others. But it’s the ‘fluffy’ bit that still causes me some challenges. Actually not ‘fluffiness’ itself, but it’s more about my abilities to express it. I can now say, rather confidently (!) that I’ve embraced my ‘fluffiness’. I’m just working at expressing it better.  I embraced the fact that I need certain things in my life and relationships with people- and I’m not talking only about romantic relationships- I need closeness, touch, good and open conversation, feeling safe, especially when exposing own vulnerability etc. Nothing that , in my humble opinion, is too strange to a human being. However, I believed that when I express my needs  I’ll be rejected, seen needy, clingy and lacking in confidence…. I’m delighted to say that I was SO WRONG! I got it all wrong! The other week I came across an article (and a little quiz) about emotions. It helped me connect few dots between my own emotional (well) being and my needs and confidence. I realised that showing my ‘bad’ emotions ( ok, I’ll stop calling them that now as it’s so not true! But I would like to believe you understand what I’ve been trying to do here)  and asking for things that I need has nothing to do with lack of confidence or, actually, ‘neediness’. It just highlights my human-beingness and the fact that I am an emotional person! That I have ‘fluff’ and that’s ok! All I need to do, if I want to- and I do- is to learn to express them better. Like everything else it comes with practice. And it’s scary for me, because when I pluck up the courage and start talking about how I really feel, very often I just simply start crying or become very tearful. I always hated it and it was one of the things that prevented me from expressing myself. However now I understand that the more I do it, the better I become at it and , perhaps, tears may not always have to accompany my vulnerable, raw conversations. I’ve been feeling really committed to my spiritual and mindful journey for years now and I’m feeling extremely grateful that I’ve found the path. It’s not always easy, actually it’s challenging most of the time, but I feel that I’ve been growing and becoming a much stronger and…humane human being!

I still might be a ‘work in progress’, but I am strong,  I AM ENOUGH. And fluffy.

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Enough is enough.

 

” (…) when we work from a place, I believe, that says, “I’m enough”…then we stop screaming and start listening, we’re kinder and gentler to the people around us, and we’re kinder and gentler to ourselves.” /Brene Brown/

 

In the last several months, I’ve been going through some kind of transformation. I don’t know exactly what it is and I don’t care really as the most important thing for me now is that I love it and I feel it’s been an extremely powerful and positive experience for me. Despite experiencing some pain and emotional discomfort. But I call it a ‘ growing pain’ and I accept it. I’ve written several pages of what’s been going on for me and wrote down what has been popping into my mind, or heart rather, during my meditations and morning pages . This is a compilation of a couple of powerful ‘revelations’ I’ve experienced in recent months.

It wasn’t an accident that I started this post with a quote from Brene Brown’s famous TED Talk ‘The power of vulnerability’.  It’s one of these talks I come back to again and again and again…. And there’s always something new that I notice or something different that resonates with me at any given time. Brene Brown brought up the issue of being ‘enough’, something, that according to her decades of research, has been a problem for lots of people. Including me. ‘Being enough’ doesn’t always stare in our faces- on contrary- it creeps up unnoticed and settles in the deepest depths of our hearts and souls. No one can easily spot it. No one can easily remove it. It’s something that becomes a part of us. So little, yet powerful enough to often dictate how we feel, behave, speak, think, live…. For a very long time I believed that I’m not enough either. And when I made this discovery I was pleased as at least ‘I could do something about it’, right? So my logical mind decided to ‘sort everything out’, no problem. First step, I need to acknowledge that there’s no way I can attract ‘good things’ in my life or a life partner if I’m not enough. So no point to look for those, right? Acknowledgement wasn’t enough, now I need to take step two and focus on ‘making myself a better person’ first. And I’ve been doing just that- for years now: meditating, mindfulness, reading, listening to talks, talking to people, challenging myself, being happy at work, trying to be happy in life etc. All good, all coming truly from my heart. And….despite tonnes and tonnes of fantastic things that have happened to me over the recent years and groups of phenomenal people I’ve met, I still haven’t felt particularly ‘enough’. So I gave up, just dropped it… What’s the point in trying? And then as I was doing my morning pages few months ago this came up: ‘Maybe I’m already whole?Maybe I’m already enough ? Maybe I don’t need to imagine I need more to be able to couple, to attract a partner, to build a solid relationship? I may not be perfect, but I’m enough ! And a big smile appeared on my face 😀 ‘. I suddenly believed myself and in myself . Whatever was coming to life for me that morning was the truth I was looking for for years. I’ve finally accepted it. Brene Brown says that people who love us they don’t love us despite our imperfections, but because of them. And I believe her too.

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Another of my profound moments happened a couple of months ago, also during my morning pages exercise. I’ve been listening to different Buddhist talks as well as TED talks for years and then I added listening to some podcasts on On Being . One of the most common themes/subjects that I’ve come across was the subject of love. I’m not necessarily talking about romantic love or love that people may feel towards their family or friends, but Love as a concept, as Oneness, ubiquitous quality. I, hmm, loved the idea and blah blah blah, but I don’t think I ever really ‘got it’. And I’m not claiming I totally get it now. However, there was a certain shift happening for me that one morning… It really hit me how much I tend to protect myself, but…. there’s no one to protect really. I’m beyond my body and mind. I expand beyond. I’ve just not connected with this properly yet. If I’m Love, does Love really need to be protected? If I’m not this body or this mind, if I don’t inherently exist, do I need protection? ‘I’ (=ego) does. ‘I’ (=Love) does not. But I’m not sure yet…. Can anyone with a Buddhist knowledge or background help me with this please ? As bonkers as it might have sounded to you, it made sense to me. It resonated and moved from the concept level into my reality: I’ve started shedding layers and layers of unnecessary protection. I’ve started taking more risks, opening my heart more and letting myself be more, well, vulnerable. I’ve started doing more of , what Brene Brown calls, ‘being really seen’, getting more in touch with my Authentic Self. And because now I truly believe I AM ENOUGH, it’s not so scary anymore. And even when I come across those scary moments, I’m still able to find some courage to plough through them and just do my best. I don’t need to do it perfectly or be right all the time, but just do my best at that moment. Now I truly believe that I’ve touched something deep and authentic that has been napping somewhere inside of me under those layers of protection. It’s sometimes nerve-racking , raw and , yes, vulnerable, but it feels good 😀

I’m feeling proud of myself. I am Love. I AM ENOUGH.

 

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Confessions of a killer

 

Yes,I started killing people. It may not be the most popular way of spending free time,  at least not in the eyes of the West Midland’s Police I guess , but I still went for it. And they’re not accidental killings, but intentional, carefully planned and executed, committed in broad daylight. I killed Simon, Paul, Jane and couple of more people.I plead guilty: I injected some homeless people with a lethal dosage of kindness…and homemade care packages:

I killed them with fresh socks, toothpaste, toothbrushes, soap, roll-ons, anti-bacterial hand gels, foot care products, tampons and to make sure they were properly done, I threw in some nuts, cereal bars and mints on top. Yeah, I think that finished them off quite nicely. And if not, that cup of hot coffee and hot baguette should’ve done the job!

But joking aside….In my previous post I shared my issues with this poster produced by West Midlands Police. I believe that it is important to support charities- financially or by giving them our time-  and I acknowledge that they may help those people in another way, using different sets of believes and probably, well, statistics. But I question whether those organisations should be the only ports of call for homeless people. Or actually any people in need. Should we- individuals– stop reaching out to others, just because authorities have other ideas and approaches to helping people?  Shouldn’t authorities, i.e. Police force, encourage people to help in another way if they really must ask people not to give money to homeless ? I think that we, as societies, suffer enough from lack of ,or very limited , basic human connection. Technology has started taking over pretty much every aspect of our lives, more and more people, including children, are losing ability to talk to a real person, the art of conversation seems to be also endangered. And all I would like to see is all us start building this connection back up again. Why am I so passionate about human connection? Because, as Brene Brown puts it,  

“(…) connection is why we’re here. It’s what gives purpose and meaning to our lives. This is what it’s all about.(…) that connection, the ability to feel connected, is- neurobiologically that’s how we’re wired- it’s why we’re here.”  

And I believe her.
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When I was chatting to one of the guys I’d met, I shared with him my idea of putting those care packages together and asked for his input- after all he was in a better position to tell me what homeless people may really need. I spent probably good 20/25 mins sitting on the steps in the city square just talking. I felt it was a really frank conversation- not one of those when you just say ‘yes’ to everything, but a proper talk, when you challenge each other from time to time.He told me his story, shared his ideas and dreams for the future. He seemed to have liked the idea of the packages and suggested I could start raising money and set up a charity. Nice idea indeed, and very tempting, I must say. However, I care about what we, as individuals, can do for another human being. It’s about acknowledgement, giving time, eye contact, a nice word or two. It’s about basic conversation with another person.  And, of course, connection. Societies consists of individuals ; I dare to say that strong societies consist of individuals who are connected and support one another.

It crossed my mind that I could set up a website, start raising money and perhaps try to develop some kind of charity (?), but then I had another idea.  I just called it ‘Give me five!’. Why? Because each of these care packages I’ve prepared costs more or less £5. What if each of us, wherever in the world we live, spend £5 ( or equivalent) on a homeless person, by providing a little care package of items they need or buying them a hot meal/drink? And if we don’t want to spend money- as it’s not really just about the money- then let’s give 5 minutes of our time ( and a smile ) to talk to someone who lives on the streets. Or give 5 minutes ( and a smile ) to a stranger or a neighbour we’ve never talked to. We can give the phrase ‘Give me five!’ totally new meaning 🙂 Let’s start (re)building human connection. Who’s with me?

I’d love to hear your stories of ‘giving five’ , if you care to share them with me! Thank you for reading and joining me on a quest of ‘giving five’ 🙂