“The area we are struggling in can often be the area we aren’t surrendering. Sometimes just admitting where we don’t know what to do and allow it to be fully felt opens up space for us to discover what we are on the other side.” /Kyle Cease/
This video by Kyle Cease arrived in my inbox few days ago.. I finally watched it on Monday morning and it made so much sense to me. I felt some raw emotions arising, but they couldn’t make their way out. I’ve watched the video several times now. And yesterday morning I woke up, sat on my bed in meditation and I felt different emotions popping up. I couldn’t name them -it’s not that I was trying mind you- but then one word stood out for me: GRIEF.
Let’s take a pause here…
Like what? Grief? Why? Apart from some of my plants, nothing/no one close to me has recently died. So how come ‘grief’ popped up in my meditation?
I don’t know, but I surrendered to it and I just cried and grieved- no judgement, no strategising what to do next and how- just me and my (suppressed) emotions coming out of me. It didn’t last long, but I started to feel more connected with my own ‘deep down’. I took some deep breaths and I felt more authentic and real than I had been recently. There was no fear at that moment. Only peace.
Later, as I was pottering around the kitchen, I started listening to ‘Rising Strong as Spiritual Practice’ . I’m obsessed with Brene Brown and her work- probably you worked it out by now- but I’d never come across this recording till that morning. I wasn’t sure what to expect as my first thought was that it was going to be an audiobook, but I was wrong- it was a seminar with Brene Brown. Bonus! And then some 1 hour 36 minutes in, boom, she starts talking about grief! She relates it to boundaries, integrity, generosity and forgiveness and explains that it is the only other emotion that ties closely with shame.
‘Grief is about longing, it’s about loss and it’s about feeling lost’ /Brene Brown/
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Grief is one of those emotions that we don’t want to talk about, says Brown, because we live in a culture where sadness is not acceptable. The only emotion that is accepted when grief arises is anger. We also accept fear, but we tend to put everything else away and try to hide it. Brown goes on to say that no matter how much we’ll try to hide our grief, our body will be leaning toward it as , although we may not like it, grief is needed. This is the price we pay for loving…
It really hit home. I admitted that I’d not allowed myself to grieve for a long time. And when I opened myself up for that grief, shame and guilt arrived too… My natural (?) response would be trying to find something positive to focus on, or minimise the feeling, or ‘hearing voices’ from the past who would tell me to ‘get over it’ or ‘stop being a victim’, or trying to find a solution, or bypass it and force myself to behave like I felt stronger than I actually was… It wasn’t easy, but I surrender. And I grieved. For people who aren’t in my life anymore. For feelings I don’t feel anymore. For a person I wanted to become, but I didn’t. For failed strategies. For whatever I needed to grieve. At the end I wasn’t miraculously feeling elated or happy (?), but I wasn’t feeling unhappy. I felt calm, light and connected.
Grief is a process. It will continue. But I hope that I’ll manage to just surrender to it, without embracing shame and guilt at the same time, and let it do its healing job. And I’ll continue practising surrendering. It’s a process too, which for me can sometimes be very challenging. But I hope that that feeling of lightness, calmness and peace will be my reminder what I can experience when I surrender.