I woke up suddenly. It was dark and chilly. Within few short moments I realised I wouldn’t fall asleep again. I looked at a clock: 3.44 am. Great conditions for my mind to go wild, crazy and self-destructive, I thought. It happened before, too many times. But today I decided it wasn’t going to happen. I chose not to just lie in darkness and let my monkey mind do the rounds in my head as it pleased. I took action. I took my laptop, went on YouTube and typed ‘Ajahn Brahm guided meditation‘ and randomly chose this meditation – just because….My mind got used to the way I had been meditating for some time now and things weren’t working well for me anymore, so I changed a couple of things today : my meditation posture and I let myself be guided again. But before Ajahn, which means ‘a teacher’ in Thai, started guiding me (and others) through the meditation process, he gave a little talk. He talked about patience and allowing time for the body and mind to slow down and stop and be still and peaceful. Ajahn said he had developed two types of patience:
1. Waiting on the present moment’: Imagine you’re a waiter in a restaurant and you look after your guests. You’re there, observing, waiting on them not to fast, not to slowly, brining dishes in the right moment, being here when the action happens, not lingering, but being aware what’s going on right now.
Another simile of waiting on the present moment is a simile of being like a host at the party- you greet your guests as they enter your house. You asked them to come in, but you don’t have time to talk to them as another guest is coming in. So you welcome your guest, shake their hand, let go and move on to greeting your next guest. It’s like a procession: you don’t linger, you focus on one person at the time, just be with one present moment at a time. This is the right kind of patience.
So here’s what my thoughts behave- they try to come in all at once, they run and rush, and push each other and shout and jump and they all want to be inside at the same time. I can’t control how many of them will arrive, but it’s up to me to ensure how they come in, how I let them in. And it’s easier said than done. To greet, acknowledge and welcome them in my ‘house’ and be kind to them ,especially they cause some pain, is a challenge- and a choice- but I can’t ignore them- that’s the present moment.
2. ‘Waiting in the future : waiting for something to happen, waiting for…. [whatever]’. And that’s why when people meditate sometimes, nothing happens. This kind of patience is the opposite to being in the present moment. This is not the right kind of patience. Don’t ex-pect, but in-spect what’s going on in the present moment.
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To meditate is to go nowhere… It’s emptiness. Vanishing. Stillness.
Have you ever thought about what ‘nowhere’ means? I surely haven’t till Ajahn enlightened me (pun intended…). It means ‘now–here‘ ! When I’m ‘nowhere’ I’m ‘now‘ – ‘here‘…Short. Sweet. Profound. Emptiness. Vanishing. Stillness. How come I’ve never noticed it?
I wasn’t following the guidance all the time, but I noticed that my mind felt calmer than the last time I tried to meditate in silence. Ha, just a little change, yet I felt it. It’s ok to be guided from time to time. It’s ok to be a receiver. It’s ok not to be perfect.